


You're intertwining your soul with somebody else

by tigerlo



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, but there's a happy ending I promise, there's just so much angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 12:21:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8624284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: Three weeks after they save the city, Erin gets a boyfriend. 
Erin gets a boyfriend and Jillian gets a broken heart. 
or
The saddest story ever told is the one where they were almost happy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely readers,
> 
> Just a quick note to begin with, I know canon for this fandom seems to be that Holtzmann's first name is kind of used sporadically, but in my own headcanon, Jillian is what Holtz calls herself in her head, because I think her head is a much softer place than we might think. And because she loves Erin, Erin's allowed to get away with calling her Jillian too.
> 
> So I'm terribly sorry if it reads out of character to anyone to use Holtz's first name, but in my head it's a very deliberate choice, so I hope you enjoy this either way!
> 
> Also, feel free to come find me at tigerlo . tumblr . com, and we can chat about nerdy Holtzbert headcanons until the cows come home.

-

  
  


Icarus. 

 

That's what Dr Gorin used to call her. 

 

The girl who flew too close to the sun. Her greatest ambition and creation, the ultimate and sole cause of her demise. 

 

Except the thing that kills her in the end isn't an invention. It's a person. 

 

_ The _ person to be exact. 

  
  


-

  
  


Three weeks after they save the city, Erin gets a boyfriend. 

 

Erin gets a boyfriend and Jillian gets a broken heart. 

  
  


-

  
  


The worst thing is that he's not even a bad guy. 

 

He's actually a relatively good guy. 

 

Abby and Patty absolutely love him, and never stop telling Erin the second after she first introduces them all to him. 

 

Jillian just sits uncharacteristically quiet in the corner, shell shocked. Her heart pounding out a traitorous rhythm in her chest. 

 

Erin notices her silence though, of course she does. 

 

“You ok Jill?”

 

Erin's the only one who calls her that. No one, not even Doctor Gorin could get away with calling her Jill. 

 

Jillian, if she had done something really really bad. Like activate a nuclear core without the proper containment or supervision. 

 

But never Jill. 

 

She doesn't answer at first, too overwhelmed with this new piece of information that she wants nothing to do with. Wants to send it out to sea and sink it to the bottom of the benthos. 

 

Erin's hand is warm on her shoulder though, and brings her out of her reprieve. 

 

“Hey, where'd you go?” Erin asks concerned. 

 

“Nowhere.” 

 

_ Somewhere.  _

 

“Sorry.” 

 

_ Somewhere far away.  _

 

“He seems nice Er.” 

 

_ Somewhere far away from here where you love me instead of him.  _

 

“I'm happy for you.” 

 

_ I wish I was happy with you.  _

  
  


-

  
  


If Erin is Hera then he is Zeus. 

 

Erin could be nothing short of the Queen of the Gods in her eyes.

 

Zeus was unworthy, but  _ he _ doesn't seem to be. Not to Erin. 

 

They are the Queen and King of Heaven. 

 

And Jillian is just the girl who burned too bright too soon. 

  
  


-

  
  


It's not like Erin's the first straight girl she's ever had feelings for, but she's the only one Jillian's ever  _ loved _ . 

 

Period. Like  **ever** . 

 

It's not like she's the Queen of ‘staying the night’ or anything, but she's had a few long term girlfriends, some lasting months and once, a year. 

 

They were great. Perfect even. But it never felt right. 

 

She loved their company, adored their bodies, and should have fallen head over heels for them, but she just couldn't. 

 

It always ends in the same way, regardless of whatever new ingredient is hidden within the silver bullet of the relationship. 

 

She hears the same thing, over and over again, in so many different voices that she loses count. 

 

“I can't do this anymore.”

 

There's an eloquence in the simplicity of it that Jillian never ceases to marvel at, after the dust settles and her heart stops ringing. 

  
  


-

  
  


A small black crystalline corner of her heart fears that the reason she never made a real, honest to god move on Erin, was the fear that it would go the same way. 

  
  


-

  
  


It's much easier to fall into bed with other women who only want her for what they know she can make them feel, but in the end it all just rings hollow because as much as she closes her eyes and wishes it so, they're not Erin. 

  
  


-

 

The hardest part of it all is that Erin just seems so damn  _ happy. _

 

This would be so much easier if he was just another mediocre, vanilla, heterosexual cut-out, but when he makes Erin laugh it always reaches her eyes. 

 

Like it used to with Jillian. 

 

And it's not that Erin stopped laughing at her jokes, it's that she's not the only cause of her smiles anymore. 

  
  


-

  
  


It's Abby, beautiful, hard Abby, the first one to give her a place in the world, who reaches her first.

 

“You need to tell her.”

 

“Don't know what your talking about, boo.”

 

“Cut the crap Jillian.”  _ Uh oh _ . 

 

“If you don't tell her now you're going to have to live with the consequences, and I don't think you can wait much longer.”

 

She sighs in defeat, dropping her pliers and pushing her goggles up and off her face. 

 

“I can't Abs, I just  _ can't _ .”

 

A pause. And Holtzmann can hear the weight gathering behind Abby's words. 

 

“He asked for my permission. He's going to ask her to marry him Holtzmann.”

 

_ Oh. _

 

Abby leaves, face breaking sadly as Jillian feels all of the blood leave her body. 

 

She slides off her stool and vomits. Not stopping until there's nothing left but bile and the last vestiges of her hope in the trash can. 

  
  


-

  
  


If she could quantify a method of turning off her pain, she would have found it by now. But Jillian's known for a long time that not even hard cold science can touch the crippling pain of heartbreak. 

 

She wishes she could pluck the broken weight from her chest and hide it in a box, far far away from here, but she knows fairy tales aren't real, even the Gods aren't left untouched by the mortal consequence of loss,  _ and some people never get their happy endings _ . 

  
  


-

  
  


They get called away to a bust a few states over a couple of weeks later, and Jillian has to put a lid on everything.

 

She has to bottle it up in a lead-lined container and throw away the key, because Erin is warm beside her, asleep on her shoulder in spite of having the entirety of the back seat to lay against, as they drive through the night. 

 

Flying is always out of the question. No one in their right mind would pilot a plane with the kind of reactive nuclear material they have to lug around with them, so their only option is to drive. 

 

They leave at dusk so they can drive through the night and deal with the client in the morning. 

 

Abby had volunteered to sit back-seat with Jillian, seeing the drawn and pale look on her face when she realised they would be trapped in a car together for the next ten or so hours. 

 

“Oh no, can I? Please Jill, I feel like I've hardly seen you lately.”

 

Abby looks at her sadly, giving her an out, but knowing Jillian won't take it. 

 

She's never been able to say no to Erin. 

 

That, and she’s a sucker for red-hot torture. 

 

“Sure,” Jillian says weakly. “We can play games while the adults talk business in the front.”

  
  


-

  
  


It's wrong, she knows it's so  _ so _ wrong, but she closes her eyes and drops her mouth to press the softest kiss to Erin's head while she sleeps. 

 

Abby catches her eye in the rear view mirror, but doesn't say anything. 

 

Jillian doesn't need to be told, she can already feel the burn of the sun against her skin. 

  
  


-

  
  


Of course there's a mix up, and of course there are only two rooms. 

 

Abby tries harder this time, but Erin's hand closes around hers, tugging them both towards one of the doors. 

 

“Na-uh, she's mine,” Erin says quickly, pulling her away. 

 

She doesn't see Abby and Patty watching her, eyes hooded and sad like they know she's walking to her death. 

  
  


-

  
  


Erin's touchy. 

 

She always has been, which had surprised the hell out of Jillian in the beginning. 

 

She'd always come across as your typical cut and dry academic. That was Jillian's first mistake. 

 

Well the first was more or less falling in love with her the minute she saw her, but who is she to split hairs. 

 

Erin was incredibly tactile once she warmed to the three of them, draping an arm easily around them while they sat around the table in the beginning, threading her arm through Jillian's in excitement while she was running over a new blueprint. 

 

It had kind of plateaued with the other two, limited to simple touches and hugs, but Jillian was different. 

 

Maybe it was a comfort thing, or maybe Jillian's personality just lended itself to a more physical platonic relationship than others. 

 

Maybe Erin took the flirting as a sign that she could be different around Jillian, easier,  _ softer _ . 

 

It had started with kisses on the cheek after a weekend apart, and her legs heaped on Holtzmann during movie nights. 

 

Once they'd fallen asleep and the other two had left them to it, deciding they looked too peaceful to move.

 

She'd woken up with Erin resting easily against her side, an arm draped over her stomach and a smile on her face. 

 

“Hey sleepyhead. Feeling ok?”

 

“Peachy. You?”

 

“Great actually, I can't remember the last time I slept through the night.”

 

“I have been told I make an excellent pillow,” Holtz says, trying for a distraction. Desperately hoping Erin couldn't hear the pounding of her heart. 

 

“Is that what the girls say?” Erin asks curiously. 

 

“Don't know. Try not to hang around much afterwards.”

 

“I must be special then,” Erin says, the air between her vertebrae popping as she stretches out on top of Jillian. 

 

God, she thinks to herself, her heart screaming. 

 

_ You have no idea.  _

  
  


-

  
  


There's only one bed. And no couch. 

 

The night in the firehouse was bad enough, but Jillian thinks this might  _ actually _ kill her. 

 

“I'm gonna go see if they can swap us to a twin share,” she says the minute she opens the door. 

 

“Don't be stupid,” Erin says easily. “We can share, can't we?”

 

She's smiling when she looks at Jillian, but her face falls when she catches sight of the strain across Jillian's face. 

 

“Course,” she says, hastily softening her features, desperately trying to undo the damage. “Just didn't want to give you my germs, that's all.” 

 

Erin smiles immediately, and the cloud of hesitation is gone with blinding light. 

 

“Good. I miss you. I feel like I've hardly seen you lately.”

 

It's hard, possibly the hardest thing she's had to do to date, to keep the malice out of her voice when she replies. 

 

“You've been busy playing America’s happiest couple. It happens, I guess.”

 

“Yeah I suppose. I just don't want to turn into one of those couples that only hangs out together, you know?”

 

Erin pauses, dropping her bags onto the bed before scooping up Jillian's hands in hers. 

 

“Promise we won't stop being best friends, alright Jill? I couldn't bear it if we weren't.”

 

There's a warmth in her eyes that Jillian rarely sees with anyone else, but she doesn't need that to convince her. 

 

She'd climb Olympus on her hands and knees to make Erin happy, would hurl herself into the sun just to see her smile, even if it means her own destruction in the doing of it. 

 

Her words are thick and heavy in her throat, like a lie, only they're not, but the thought of the two of them  _ forever _ makes her feel sick. 

 

But she knows what Erin needs to hear, so she puts on a brave face like she's done her whole life, and signs her own execution order to be a bystander to Erin's happy ending. 

 

“Of course. You can't even get rid of me that easily.”

 

“Thank  _ god _ for that,” Erin says easily, turning away to unpack for the evening, her burden lifted. “I don't know what I'd do without you Holtz.”

 

Erin turns back towards her after a few minutes of silence, her bag now empty. 

 

“What about you?” Erin asks casually. “Anyone caught your eye lately?”

 

“Nope,” Jillian says quickly. “No one.”

 

_ Yes, someone. But it's too late,  _ **_god_ ** _ I've left it too late.  _

 

“Oh,” Erin says surprised. “Well I'm sure you'll find someone, you're one hell of a catch.”

 

She turns away, gathering things for a shower before heading into the bathroom. 

 

Jillian turns away as well, quick to hide the way her face falls when she can't hold her smile a second longer. 

 

She wonders how long it will be until she starts to crack at the seams. 

  
  


-

  
  


The answer to that question comes shattering into existence much sooner than Jillian could have her anticipated, when Erin steps out of the shower the following day after they get back from the successful bust.

 

She tries  _ really _ hard not to focus on the way the water droplets run smooth lines down Erin's skin, skin that makes her heart ache so much that Holtzmann has to sit on her hands to stop from doing something she'll only regret in the light of morning. 

 

She moves to turn her head away when the light catches something around Erin's neck as she moves to wring her hair out. 

 

She's wearing a gold chain Jillian has never seen before and hanging off the end, almost dipping between her breasts, is a ring. 

 

A diamond ring. 

 

Her eyes, wide and terrified, catch Erin's and their joint realisation hangs heavy in the room like a curse. 

 

Erin’s fingers close around it self-consciously before she opens her mouth to explain. 

 

“He proposed last week. I've been waiting for the right time to tell you.”

 

Her words are soft, softer than Jillian's ever heard her speak, but it's not enough. 

 

She breaks. 

 

She breaks in two and she runs. 

  
  


-

  
  


Holtz knows this blows her whole ‘being cool and keeping the fact that she's in love with one of her best friends’ thing clear out of the water, but she's totally powerless to stop herself. 

 

She doesn't know where she is or where she's going. Tears are blurring her vision, but she just runs. 

 

She runs and she doesn't stop until her breathing is as ragged and rough as the tattered remains of her heart feel. 

 

And  _ god _ , she's so fucking stupid. 

 

If she had listened to Abby weeks ago she could have stopped this from happening. If she had told Erin how she really felt when she realised herself, then she wouldn't be in this huge fucking mess with no way out. 

 

Eventually she finds herself outside a twenty hour hour diner, pushing the door open and sliding into a booth. She's the only customer but it still takes the waitress forever to come over. 

 

She slides a piece of cake in front of Jillian, complete with a huge dollop of cream on top. 

 

She looks up at the woman, hair grey and frizzy but with soft kind eyes, and opens her mouth, willing some sort of greeting or thanks to come out of her mouth. 

 

The woman puts her hand on Jillian's shoulder, the gesture reassuring and maternal, before she holds her hand up. 

 

“There's only one kind of customer that comes in here in the middle of the night, looking like someone just broke their heart. The kind that needs cake. Don't fret with an explanation, just eat up for now and I'll be back soon.”

 

She looks at the woman with watery eyes and nods her thanks before shovelling an enormous piece of cake into her mouth. 

 

It's cherry flavoured, and it tastes exactly like the lip balm Erin keeps in her desk drawer that she's constantly stealing. She knows Erin knows but she never,  _ ever _ says anything about it. 

 

It's too much, it's all too much and there's nothing she can do to stop the tears falling freely then.

 

Patty finds her an hour or so later, curled up in a small ball in her booth, cold mug of coffee in her hand.

 

She looks up, confused for a moment before she curses her own genius, swearing as she pulls her necklace out from under a layer of clothing, the traitorous GPS dot flashing dully.

 

“I knew those stupid things would come in handy one day,” Patty says, walking over to her booth.

 

She doesn’t say anything at first, doesn’t actually have anything  **to** say, so instead she just shrugs sadly and bursts into tears again.

 

Patty’s beside her in a second, pulling her in for a tight hug.

 

She tried to explain, or apologise, but all that comes out are desperate gasps.

 

Patty’s voice is soft and gentle, like she knows exactly how close Jillian is to a breaking point even  _ she _ can’t come back from.

 

“I know baby. I know.”

  
  


-

  
  


“I can’t drive back with her Patty. I don’t even know what to say….”

  
  


-

  
  


Abby and Patty shuffle Jillian into their room when Patty finally manages to convince her to come back to the hotel.

 

They send Abby to Erin and Jillian’s room, making up some falsity about Jillian being unwell to attempt to give some rationale to her strange behaviour and hasty exit, as well as provide some substance to the story they’ve fabricated in order to get them back in two different vehicles.

 

Erin comes rushing to the room minutes after Abby leaves, pushing past Patty to get through the door.

 

Jillian is sitting on the cold tiles, bathroom door locked, when she hears Erin’s voice outside.

 

“Abby what the hell are you doing? Why can’t I just see….”

 

“Erin, I told you she locked herself in the bathroom. She doesn’t want to get any of us sick, we just have to leave her ok?”

 

“No, not ok. What if she passes out or….god, this is ridiculous.”

 

She can hear Erin’s footfalls coming closer and closer, until they stop right outside the door.

 

“Jillian, can you hear me? I need you to open the door. You can’t be in there by yourself, alright?”

 

Holtz slumps further against the vanity, her head bumping between her knees.

 

“Jillian, if I don’t hear your voice in the next five seconds I’m going to assume you’ve fainted and I’m going to break that god damn door down, Abby get  _ off _ me, do you understand?”

 

“One.”

 

“Two.”

 

“Three.”

 

“Four, and I’m rolling my sleeves up.”

 

“Fi….”

 

“Erin, I’m fine, ok. I just need to be left alone.”

 

She hears Erin bump against the other side of the door, hears her slide down it and can imagine their images reflected, a mirror of each other on either side of the door. 

 

“Please just go back to bed,” she says weakly, desperately trying to keep the tears out of her voice.

 

Each word physically pains her because all she wants to do is tear the door open and throw herself into Erin’s arms, but every time she weakens, even just a bit, the image of the ring hanging around Erin’s neck tightens around her own like a noose.

 

“Won’t you come back to our room?” Erin asks, sounding hurt.

 

“I’m ok here Er, please just go.”

 

A pause.

 

“You’ll call if you need anything?”

 

“You’ll be the first on my speed dial.”

 

“Promise?”

 

“Pinky promise.”

  
  


-

  
  


She and Abby leave a few hours later.

  
  


-

  
  


“Holtz I….”

 

“Please don’t tell me I told you so, Abby. I don’t think I can take it.”

 

“No, it’s not that. I was going to say I’m sorry.”

  
  


-

 

They don’t speak for hours, but Abby tried to break the silence every few towns.

 

“Promise me you won’t leave, not straight away at least. Not until we can try and work something out, ok?”

 

“I’m sorry but I can’t stay Abs, I just can’t.”

 

Jillian knows she owes them all more than a disappearing act in the middle of the night. Especially Erin. But she just doesn’t know how much more she can take.

 

“I know you all deserve better, you just don’t know how much it  _ hurts _ . Every time I see them together or think about them together, I just….I think I’m  _ dying _ . I don’t know how much more my heart can take.”

  
  


-

  
  


Erin and Patty leave the next morning, or so Jillian understands from the one-sided conversation she overhears Abby having when they’re a few hours out from the city.

 

“We didn’t want to wake you but Holtz really needed to leave. She’s really not well Er, she’s not up to talking. Yeah, I’ll check but….”

 

Abby holds the phone to one side as she looks over to Jillian questioningly.

 

She shakes her head sadly and Abby gives her a small sad smile in return.

 

“Look, she’s really not up to it, ok?  _ Pause. _ You’ll see her in a few hours anyway.  _ Pause _ . Yeah, of course I will, drive safe.”

  
  


-

  
  


Abby watches her as she walks round the lab, packing a small bag to head back to her apartment for a few days.

 

“You’re coming back, right?”

 

“Yeah, of course,” she says, lying easily. 

 

“You know I can only put her off for a few days, right? She’s not just going to let you go Holtz. You’re going to have to deal with this at some stage.”

 

She knows Abby’s right, but the utter defeat of the situation is all at once  **far** too much weight to bear. 

 

She leans against her desk before sliding down it, crumpling into a small ball on the ground.

 

Abby takes a deep breath before bending down to join her on the cool floor.

 

“You owe her that much, at least.”

  
  


-

  
  


Holtz manages to get out and away from the firehouse before the others get home.

 

Her apartment is cold and empty, fitting really because it’s about as barren as her chest feels.

 

She knows she’ll only have a day or two at the most before Erin comes looking for her, so tries her best to harden her heart and brace herself for a final few days in Erin's company before she leaves. 

 

She doesn't know what hurts more, knowing that she'll likely never see Erin again if she leaves, or knowing that she doesn't even need to leave at all. 

 

Except she does. She knows in her heart that staying and watching Erin live a happy life with someone else is a price that she  _ cannot _ bear. 

  
  


-

  
  


She makes a few calls and finds a bed out of state for a while until she can figure out what she's going to do long term. 

 

Rebecca doesn't bother asking why she needs a place to stay. She knew Jillian well enough to recognise she was hopelessly in love with Erin after spending five minutes in their joint company. 

 

She hadn't been referring to the machinery when she had warned Jillian about being reckless. 

  
  


-

  
  


Two days. 

 

Two days to pack up her life in New York. 

 

Two days to grieve the imminent loss of the only family she'd ever known. 

 

Two days to grieve for the loss of something  _ far _ deeper than friendship. 

 

Two days to pack her heart in it's box and prepare to leave it with Erin. 

 

It comes much too quickly, and far  _ far _ too slow in the end. 

  
  


-

  
  


Abby knows the minute she walks into the firehouse. 

 

“How long?”

 

“A day or two,” Jillian replies, voice laden with guilt. “I just need to find someone I trust to fix your weapons if anything happens to them.”

 

Patty’s standing between the two of them with a neutral look on her face, Abby having evidently filled her in. 

 

“Come on Holtz, we don't care about the weapons. Are you really going to leave without saying anything to her?”

 

“No point Abs, she's made her choice. Who am I to question that?”

 

“We just don't want you to regret anything, baby,” Patty says softly. 

 

She doesn't have it in her to tell them it's already  _ much _ too late for that. 

  
  


-

  
  


Erin's voice finds her an hour or so later, floating up the stairwell softly. 

 

“Holtz? Are you up here?”

 

She wishes the other two had given her a bit of warning so she could have at least attempted to hide the obvious evidence of her leaving, not ready to have  _ that _ conversation with Erin yet. 

 

When Erin finally walks through the doorway, her face breaks into a soft smile that looks more beautiful than the rising sun. 

 

The smile falters when Erin takes stock of Jillian's demeanour, and she hurries over to her desk. 

 

“Oh my god, you should be in bed, you look terrible,” Erin says, hands flying to Jillian’s face, testing her temperature. 

 

Erin looks at her like she doesn’t know what’s wrong, but all she wants to do is glue her back together, piece by piece.

 

Holtz tries to keep her voice calm, but the sensation of Erin’s soft touch on her balmy skin is almost enough to make her knees buckle. 

 

“Jeez Gilbert, you really know how to give a girl a compliment.”

 

She tries to resist when Erin pulls her into a seat, her grip insistent and firm and  _ comforting _ on Holtz's shoulders. 

 

It's in that next moment that Erin finally looks around her and puts things together. 

 

Jillian can pinpoint the exact second, because Erin's hands tighten on her shoulders, as if that alone will be enough to keep her from running. 

 

“What the hell is going on?” Erin asks, her voice sounding strained and nervous and a little scared. 

 

“I'm uh….” 

 

_ A beat.  _

 

“I'm just going to get out of the city for a while. Try and sort a few things out.”

 

The tension settles between them, crackling like electricity. Erin's hands pull tighter, her nails digging slighting into the skin underneath her thin tee. 

 

“What sort of  _ things _ ? Wait, does this have anything to do with me? Is that why you've been distant lately?”

 

She does move out from under Erin's grip then, twisting away from hands that follow her path before they drop to Erin’s sides. 

 

“Jillian I need you to  _ talk _ to me. I can’t fix what I've done, if you don’t tell me whats wrong.”

 

“Please don’t make me do this, Erin. You know what’s wrong.”

 

She pauses for a moment, and Jillian knows Erin knows exactly what she means. She watches the mess of emotions cross her face, not sure if Erin's going to be brave enough to call Holtz on her feelings, or if she'll drop it like a hot coal and leave it. 

 

It hangs like a guillotine over their heads, both of them fully aware that this is  **it** , their last chance to call this for what it is, or to let it go, to become another  _ almost _ in the history of the world's tragedies. 

 

Erin's mouth twists and she bites her lip, her eyes pleading with Jillian's, but Holtz doesn't budge. She just stands a few feet from Erin with her arms crossed over her chest, desperately trying to hold herself together. 

 

“What?” Erin asks quietly, hesitantly. 

 

Neither of them move for a moment, and  _ finally _ Jillian sees something change the moment Erin decides, taking a deep breath, bracing herself. 

 

“That you….like me? Have feelings for me, I mean?”

 

“I don’t just  _ like _ you though Erin, I  **love** you.”

 

She hears Erin's breath catch in her throat at those last three words. 

 

“I know it's not my place to tell you, not now. I never intended on doing any of this. But the universe has a fucked up sense of humour, so here we are. And as much as all I want in the  _ world _ is for you to be happy, I can’t stand here and watch you marry someone else. I know it’s the most selfish thing I’ve ever said in my entire fucking life but I just can’t. It’ll destroy me. More than it already has.”

 

“Please don't go,” Erin says, eyes watering dangerously. 

 

“Why, what do you want me to say Erin? Please don't marry him, marry me instead?”

 

Jillian sees a look flash across Erin's face, freezing her features temporarily in place. It looks like she's stuck in this moment, suspended by something they can’t quite see. 

 

Jillian wonders if it's the same thing currently flashing through her brain. A full life of  _ could haves _ . 

 

An endless land of possibility where they wake up next to each other every morning, and kiss in the shower, and argue over what kind of bread to buy. 

 

One where Jillian drops to her knee and proposes to Erin with her grandmother's ring, instead of a fucking stranger beating her to it. 

 

Instead of a maybe though, they have  _ this _ . A horrible reality, edged on a knife-point that only Erin has control of now. 

 

And as much as Jillian had wanted to avoid this, avoid placing any blame or responsibility or decision on Erin, they're here anyway. 

 

Inevitably. 

 

Just like everything else with them seems to be. 

 

Holtz can see the storm raging in Erin's heart, a safe future versus the potential for a life she probably hadn't even dreamed of, so she waits, she does the only thing she can do now. 

 

She gives Erin what seems like an eternity to weigh up their fates, but it doesn't matter. She breaks her heart anyway. 

 

“Jill, I'm sorry I just….”

 

The words feel like a knife between her ribs, a slow aching throb and a sharp twist all at once, and it takes  _ everything _ to keep her face neutral. 

 

It doesn't stop the tears though, they slide down her face quietly as she opens her mouth to speak to Erin one last time. 

 

“I wish you a long and happy life together,” she says, not bothering to catch the tears as she turns to leave.

 

Erin doesn’t say anything behind her.

  
  


-

  
  


The walk back to her apartment feels like a dream. A bright and terrible dream.

 

The sun is beautiful and light, and Jillian doesn't stop crying the entire way home. 

 

She's never been a crier. Ever. But then again nothing about anything that concerns Erin has gone according to plan. 

 

She knows she said a few days to Abby, but the thought of staying in the city for a minute longer makes her want to claw her heart out of her chest, so she starts throwing things into a bag haphazardly. 

 

She doesn't know what she's packing, she can't see any of it for the tears, but it doesn't matter. She'll arrange for Patty or Abby to ship it to her wherever she settles, but for now she just has to leave. 

 

She's digging round in a draw when a familiar smell hits her and she realises she's holding one of Erin's old Columbia shirts. 

 

She had thrown them all out in a fit of defiant rage after Filmore had gone on national television and disowned her, but Holtzmann had rescued them from the trash and asked Erin if she could keep them as working clothes. 

 

“I promise I'll singe holes in them in defence of your honour, how's that?” She had said softly to a very defeated Erin. 

 

“Only if you make sure they're really  **big** holes,” Erin had sniffed in response before curling herself in Jillian's arms for a hug. 

 

The scent of her perfume is beautiful, and it makes Jillian’s heart ache painfully in her chest. She's suddenly hit with the realisation that once the smell wears off these tops, she'll never experience this again. 

 

She'll never get to experience the smell of Erin, freshly showered at the firehouse following an inevitable sliming, hair wet and skin soft with the almond butter she always used when she was upset after a bust. 

 

She'd never smell the beautiful mix of the two of them after a full day spent in the lab; vanilla, and smoke, and coffee, and soldering, and the sticky sweet pastries they used to sneak in and never share with the others. 

 

It's just all too much, and it's too  _ tragic _ , and Holtz wishes she could just turn it all off. 

 

She slides to the ground, leaning against her chest of drawers. 

 

She's not sure how long she stays like that, unable to get up. She can hear her phone buzzing somewhere in the next room, probably Patty or Abby trying to check on her. 

 

It rings and rings but she doesn't have the energy to get up and find it. 

 

The room is silent but for the noise of her phone, and Jillian tries to count her heartbeats to keep her breathing even. 

 

She knows it's bullshit but her pulse sounds weaker, like it knows exactly what she intends to do soon, leaving it behind with Erin. 

 

Eventually the sky darkens outside and she watches as lights start to come on down the street

 

She's just about to drag herself up to continue with packing when she hears an insistent pounding on the door. 

 

She seriously considers ignoring it, but she knows if it's Abby or Patty they're both likely to break it down if she doesn't answer it. 

 

She drags herself up and across the apartment, not bothering to look through the peep-hole before she pulls the door open. 

 

But it's not Patty. Or Abby. 

 

It's Erin. 

 

Beautiful, complicated, perfect Erin, who looks like she's also spent the last six hours crying. 

 

Holtz is about to open her mouth to speak, but Erin beats her to it and almost stops her heart with her words. 

 

“I broke it off.”

 

Jillian frowns, confused as to why Erin's come all this way just to tell her something she already knew. Not to rub it in her face, surely. 

 

Erin registers her confusion immediately, jumping to correct herself. 

 

“With him. It's over.”

 

Holtz digs her nails into her palms, certain she's dreaming, and all of this is just a torturous lie. 

 

The motion hurts though, so this _ must _ be true. 

 

“I don't understand?” Jillian asks, very unsure. 

 

“When you said you were leaving, I don't think I've ever been more scared in my entire life.”

 

“I still don't….”

 

“Jill, I love you too.”

  
  


-

  
  


“Are you sure? I don't want you to wake up tomorrow and realise you've made a mistake, or overreacted, or…..”

 

“I've never been more sure, Holtz. Shut up and kiss me.”

  
  


-

  
  


“How long for? How long have you loved me for?”

 

“Since the minute you walked into our lab. You?”

 

“About two seconds after, I think.”

 

“Why didn't you say anything?”

 

“I was a coward. What if you didn't say it back?”

 

“Yeah, but I did, didn’t I? It's only ever been you, Jill. Everyone else was just a full-in.”

  
  


-

  
  


“Have you ever done this before? With a woman?”

 

“No. Is that….?”

 

“It's perfect.”

 

“I don't know what to do.”

 

“Shhh.”

 

_ Sharp intake of breath.  _

 

“I'll show you.”

  
  


-

  
  


And so she does. 

  
  


-

  
  


Erin is heaven under her fingers. 

 

Jillian takes an eternity to remove their clothes, her mouth mapping each inch of bare skin as she reveals it. 

 

Erin is soft and pliant under her touch. She  _ curves _ and  **presses** her body into Jillian's, and they move against each other, never breaking contact the entire time. 

 

When she finally gets Erin down to her underwear, she almost loses her breath. 

 

Sure, Jillian's seen her in a towel before, but it's never been paired with the knowledge that she can touch, and kiss, and leave her mark on the flesh she can see. 

 

Erin is shaking when Jillian finally slips her bra off and closes her mouth around a nipple. 

 

Erin's hands push at Holtz’s remaining clothing roughly, fumbling and slowing when they brush across the band of her pants. 

 

“You don't have too,” Holtz says gently. 

 

“I want to see you. And us. I want to see us together.”

 

Holtz blushes, honest to god blushes, and a hot image of them skin to skin assaults her brain, and she can't get her own clothes off fast enough. 

 

They fall back down against her bed, her leg pressing against Erin's centre and  _ god _ she can feel how wet she is. 

 

She bends down and her teeth close around Erin's neck, and they moan together as Erin's hands wind into her hair roughly. 

 

“Jesus Erin, can I….?”

 

“God yes. I'm  _ yours _ . I'm all yours.”

 

Jillian’s heart stops thumping in her chest, held in suspension with her breath, as she lets Erin’s words wash over her. 

 

She doesn't think she's ever heard a sweeter sentence in her entire life. 

 

She finally slides into Erin, hot and wet and  _ wanting _ , and the moan that falls from between Erin’s lips is enough to seal all the pieces of her heart back together again. 

  
  


-

  
  


“More Jill, more, I need  _ more _ .”

 

“Just a bit deeper, oh  **_god_ ** , that's it.”

  
  


-

  
  


Erin comes with Holtz’s fingers buried deeper than she's ever had before. 

 

Her nails carve deep lines into Jillian’s back but she doesn't care. 

 

They roll together with the waves of Erin's orgasm, and Jillian drops between them when the shuddering slows, and starts all over again. 

  
  


-

  
  


Erin doesn't waste any time. 

 

Her fingers are hesitant at first, the touch of her mouth soft, but she grows bolder under the sounds of Jillian moaning beneath her. 

 

She isn't gentle either. She leaves marks all over Jillian's body, claiming her for everyone to see. 

 

_ “I want to be able to see myself on your neck for days.” _

 

When Erin’s fingers finally slip beneath the waistband of her underwear, Jillian’s already loose grip on reality starts to fray at the edges. 

 

When she comes,  _ slow _ and  **hard** long minutes later, Jillian lets go completely, tethered only by Erin's grip on her hands as she holds them above her head. 

 

They collapse against each other hours and hours later, covered in scratches and bruises, voices hoarse from moaning. 

 

“Tell me again,” Erin whispers against her neck. “Tell me you love me.”

 

“Always. There's never been anyone else.”

  
  


-

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm always super nervous to post anything in this fandom because there are some seriously talented writers around, so please be sure to drop by and let me know if you enjoyed this, comments absolutely make my day and I appreciate each and every one so much!
> 
> Also, I thought I was done with breaking these two ladies' hearts but I'm clearly not, so if you have a cracker of a prompt for these two that's some sort of angst dipped in a happy ending, be sure to let me know.


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